The ideal autistic airport experience

I’d pay for this.

I’m killing some time while panicking about a flight delay that I don’t know the precise reason for (I don’t care too much about the delay itself; I just need details and certainty to feel comfortable moment-to-moment).

So I might as well muse about the Ideal Autism-Friendly Airport Experience. Airlines, take note, because I would absolutely pay for this!

Anyhow,

Thank you for purchasing our premium NeuroSerenity Package!

We understand that although you’ve arrived 3–4 hours early (as usual), you may still be experiencing dread and fear about security, crowding, noise, and other pieces of today’s understandably-terrifying puzzle.

We want you to know that your Airport Assistant will be with you every step of the way!

Upon arrival, your Airport Assistant will calmly guide you to the disassembly area and help you to remove laptops and properly-bagged liquids from your carry-on luggage. The disassembly area has been specially designated to give you all of the time and space you need to move around, unzip things, or just collect yourself while staying clear of other rushed passengers. Your Assistant will hold things for you as needed and keep an eye on all personal belongings as you prepare for the security line.

Whether or not you have TSA PreCheck, your Assistant will lead you to the correct security line and provide a safe, calm buffer between you and any unmasked or, worse, visibly frantic fellow passengers. Your Assistant understands that you may not be willing or able to make conversation in this moment and, of course, won’t take it personally.

Optionally, your Assistant may provide friendly verbal and visual instruction on the correct places to walk, wait, and place items (or body parts) before proceeding through the body scanner or metal detector. Should you require additional security measures, your Assistant, in coordination with our specially-trained sensory-aware Agents, will gently talk you through each and every step they are taking to ensure the safety of yourself and others. (If you are feeling fine on time, you may optionally request an educational infodump about the intricacies of the various tests, devices, chemical swabs, or other niche areas relevant or semi-relevant to additional security screening).

Once the security process is complete, your Airport Assistant will guide you to the designated reassembly area, likewise a safe distance from any crowding, rushing, baggage, or unwarranted noise. Your Assistant will once again keep an eye on any stray or spread out personal belongings as you restore your liquids, electronics, outerwear, and miscellaneous wallet or pocket items to their proper places. Upon reassembly, your Assistant will proceed with you to the next concrete step of your choice, including:

• A direct route to your departure gate and/or designated seating (or standing) corner within visible and auditory range of all relevant signage and flight staff
• A direct route to a designated, isolated soundproof waiting pod that you can enter or leave as desired depending on the level of information and fellow passenger ambiance you are comfortable consuming
• A guided tour of all airport facilities and their locations relative to your departure gate area, including single-occupancy restrooms and low-traffic shops or restaurants. Please note: If you wish to consume any hot, scented, or otherwise olfactorily or auditorily-detectable (i.e., crunchy) foods or beverages, you must purchase and finish them before boarding the plane for the comfort, consideration, and safety of other passengers. Without exception, absolutely no chewing gum is allowed on your NeuroSerenity Premium flight.

For the duration of your pre-flight waiting time, your Airport Assistant will provide as much or as little information as desired about the exact status of your plane — and whether each component process leading up to your boarding is operating as expected and on schedule. You may additionally (or alternatively) request to receive live, textual updates in our NeuroSerenity App, all of which will be detailed, transparent, and free from vague assurances in the event of any delay or cancellation.

If you find the potentially volatile stream of information about status or schedule changes to be uncomfortable or overwhelming, you may alternatively request to remain in your isolated waiting pod until your trusted Assistant comes to fetch you for the real and guaranteed boarding time of your flight. Your Assistant will likewise walk in front of, behind, or beside you as desired to provide friendly directional guidance and a buffer from the frantic and disorienting positions and pulsations of other passengers.

Your NeuroSerenity package includes guided individual boarding, which means that only one Assistant and Passenger pairing will be permitted on the jet bridge at a time. Your Assistant will lead you and your (properly, considerately-sized) carry-on item(s) through the ticketing area and aid you as needed in presenting your documents to our friendly Ticketing Agents. From there, you will be shown to your preselected seat and guaranteed, fully-accounted-for overhead bin space in the same general area.

If you have purchased the Airport Assistant Flight Companion add-on, your Assistant with remain with you on the plane and occupy the seat(s*)

(*don’t ask me what they do if you have a middle seat; it’s magic 🧙)

adjacent to yours to guarantee an exceedingly considerate, scent-free, and snack-free fellow passenger experience. Quiet, text-based conversation and/or parallel play with or without the available inflight entertainment system(s) may be requested free of charge. Noise-cancelling headphones in your sensory-preferred style (within or over-the-ear) are available at a discounted price in the event that your personal pair is lost or forgotten, with our sincerest condolences that they may not be quite The Same™as the headphones you are accustomed to. A complementary stuffed animal or discrete, handheld stim toy (should you feel needlessly embarrassed due to age or neurotypical norms) will be offered approximately fifteen minutes prior to taxiing.

On behalf of Unreal Airlines, thank you again for purchasing our NeuroSerenity Experience!

At some point, in a slightly less capitalistic society, we hope to offer our services as free, fun, and empathetic accommodations for valued customers like you!

(And, no, we won’t disclose our policies on flying with children and pets. As a service currently tailored for autistic adults, by a fellow autistic adult (who may or may not be childfree by privilege and necessity), we’d rather not be approached with torches and pitchforks!)