Responding to my own pre-transition journal entries
The angst was real…
Hey, it helps to be open, right?
All entries are unedited and unaltered, except for redacting the names of real people in my life.
27 August 2020, 20:12
I had a fight-or-flight physical response during gender therapy. So I guess that means I really do need it.
Oh, honey. You needed it.
9 September 2020, 16:46
Norm is running, running, running and he can’t revert anymore and he can’t even imagine herself like he is supposed to. He’s just running running running running away.
Cute pronoun shifts, bro.
13 September 2020, 22:00
For some reason I thought about Norm throwing a patio party at his own place. He would be as excellent of a host as he can.
I regret to inform you that you still haven’t thrown said patio party. Oh, well.
20 September 2020, 09:26
I am hit with a sudden horror of the idea of transition and being left in some monstrous, regrettable state forever.
You’ll be fine. You’re actually kinda cute next year.
25 September 2020, 22:31
My therapist had such a way of talking me down a cliff.
Norm, so happy. I’m so, so happy. We’re going to be allowed and okay, aren’t we?
And, yet. Of COURSE you’re afraid, boy. You’re among the reviled, going through with something like this. Your endearing self, she is safe for now, but she is going to kill you. She has already tried, twice.
Aren’t we dramatic?
And — good news, bro — so far people have been pretty nice to you.
29 September 2020, 18:54
Let me tell you a story. His name was Norman, and he never learned to be okay with it. He didn’t like conflict. He didn’t learn to care about the next day. She learned to care only for stability, and didn’t think there was another way. Not since about age 11, the last time she looked at his chest.
*cringes at angst*
Uh…I guess you do kinda look 11 again after top surgery, but in a good way.
1 October 2020, 22:07
Dear Partner,
I will always love you, and you can’t do anything about it, ya hear? Except I don’t know how to navigate this, or how to love you in any way that’s alright with you now.
I know you won’t want me to come up behind you or grab you or…hug you? (can I hug you?)…anymore, but I want to…still make sure you know you are valued. I’m not gonna kiss you if that won’t work. I won’t grab your hand or anything, but you can try if you ever feel up to it.
I will always love you, and I don’t know how to say that the right way, or if I should back off or just find some middle ground. Do you want a roommate? A confidante? A friend? A weird, asexual, nontraditional thing (hmm). Are you okay with being seen with me in public? Can you even stand to see me like this, or are you just being kind?
Partner, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to be a good partner for you in this, if you want to have me around.
I’ll always love you, and I’ll hang around, slightly out of your way, until you tell me otherwise, I suppose.
Yours,
Norm
Babe.
Calm down.
He stayed.
4 October 2020, 20:23
Please. Don’t let this be real.
Norman, I’m sorry.
Why do I even want this? Why does this have to even be in my head? Why?
The Norm of the future forgives you.
7 October 2020, 18:50
I’m losing grip on everything (not in the worst kind of way, but more like grip on my mental images). I can do male, or blank. Male, or nothing. I keep blocking a female future out. I have no idea if pride or reality is what is doing that. I didn’t really have a female future before, but I feel like I am supposed to and I am wrong and bad.
“Wrong and bad”. Dude…we’re 29.
8 October 2020, 21:11
Hello. My name is Norman. :-)
No shit, Sherlock.
13 October 2020, 12:02
I’ve lost it. I’m supposed to be working. WHAT AM I???
I thought I had a handle on things, but my doubt has come rushing back. Am I just a cool androgyne? Just a cute girl? Delusional?
How in hell did I feel so comfortable before?????
“A cool androgyne.” 🤦
I like how I still thought I was cool.
13 October 2020, 22:23
norman
Yes, I think we know that already, hon.
14 October 2020, 10:23
Illuminaughty by Infected Mushroom is one of the only things that can pull me out of it. Well, my doubt still isn’t sure what to think of that. But, damn, the way Norm dances to that.
You can bury my heart
It won’t stop that beat
Under it all
I have dancing feet
It’s always, always Norm.
Let the gatekeeper know.
I’ll say, “I’m the winning lad”.
Oh, no. Not music. Oh, no no no no.
I still love that song, though.
15 October 2020, 16:30
I don’t understand. I wish I could be neurotypical for just an hour so that I could understand.
Oh, now we’re bringing our autism into this? Oh, boy.
16 October 2020, 22:43
Norm is being hugged. I don’t know by whom, but he is being hugged.
By the universe, darling. Wait ‘til you see how it feels on HRT, though.
17 October 2020, 10:50
God. Dammit. Partner…fuck your kiss. Fuck how gentle and warm and soft your kiss feels. Fuck losing that. Fuck.
Oh, calm down. He still does that next year.
18 October 2020, 21:04
Aging is like climate change. It’s not immediate, and the brain doesn’t give a fuck. You won’t listen when I try to use that to snap you out of it — to snap you out of holding onto the most ridiculous concept of female beauty (a weird, invented beauty, as if you could look like some 11 year-old girl forever, and rely on being smiled at forever — as if just anyone can have that stupid privilege of an excuse).
So pretend every party is cancelled. You’re alone, around your house. No eyes on you. Don’t pretend you’re in your dress. Tight, isn’t it? That binder. That would be a stupid thing to wear around your house, at least away from the mirror. Don’t pretend you know what your maddeningly-feminine eyes look like, and how anyone else is making them at you. Don’t pretend you’re the cool, cute, beautiful thing in the room, when there is nothing else to designate.
What are you doing?
Don’t pretend you aren’t on the bed. Reading a book, and twiddling your stomach hairs. You can see them perfectly, because your chest is flat. Maybe even bare.
It’s too congruent to give a damn about imperfection, to be hyper-conscious…to rely on an invented image, as she does.
But, you say,
Part of your identity is indeed the self you make. Why not her?
Fine. Tell me, then. Can she hold still like he does?
And tell me, then. Do you expect him to magically appear? She didn’t, after all. She took most of your life.
Oh, hey. We have real stomach hairs now. It’s neat.
20 October 2020, 18:56
Additional note to self: do not get drunk today, or, if you do, be careful, you bastard. You’ll probably try to come out like the dumb impulsive bonehead you are XD XP
LOL…that didn’t happen ’til February.
22 October 2020, 18:27
I’m a transgender male, and that’s okay.
No shit, Sherlock.
26 October 2020, 17:08
I stopped worrying about being pretty anymore, as some kind of defense mechanism for who I really am. I guess the self always wins.
Also, imagine how great I’ll look in drag.
He’s right, you know:
29 October 2020, 17:01
I didn’t have any hope at all as a teenager, did I? I can’t believe I used to not feel hope.
I mean, given that you lived in Conservative America…
2 November 2020, 20:11
Amazing record! I’ve held onto whatever the fuck this is for multiple days now.
I still have no fucking idea how to get it through to anyone whatsoever. I kinda want someone to reach out…in a couple of weeks. So that I still have time to process and don’t do anything too stupid.
In other news, I have gotten past some mental block and seem to genuinely want to do hormones now. Wild.
Wild indeed.
19 November 2020, 22:17
My feminine eyes stare back at me. Nora wants to kill Norm. She wants to kill himself.
Norm is a stubborn man. He’s taking that bitch down with him.
Well that’s not very nice, Norman.
(and if you’re wondering, no, Nora isn’t my birth name. It’s a long story.)
22 November 2020, 13:45
I had on layers and pants such that my female-shaped hips were erased. I cannot believe how right it looked.
Good news, babe: eventually you’ll get comfortable with tight pants again anyway! ✨
24 November 2020, 18:12
“FREEDOOOOOMMMMM!!!” -norman
oh, shut up, norman 😂
24 November 2020, 21:37
I want to be seen. I want to scream to be seen. You need to know me, Partner. I may be so much smaller and so much less male than meets the eye and ear at the moment, but I will be a man you look (metaphorically) up to. I will have friends and hobbies and a career and be someone you can be proud of, even if I cannot be your woman and be myself.
Hell, I already have friends and hobbies and a career, but let me show you how it works when I am really me. I wish you knew him earlier, I really do. Then again, we might never have experienced quite the same things together. I hope that my time in this woman mold has helped you. I love you the same, but I still hope that you benefited even if this wasn’t right for me.
Ah, yes. The partner angst again. That was a thing.
26 November 2020, 16:45
I’m Norman, and I’m trans. I’m Nory, and I’m a man. Sure, a little late to the game, but I’ve always been the guy in my head. I’m Norman, and I’m a man (I mean it’s even in my name). I’m Nory, and I’m trans. I’m a great cook and I write code for a living.
Oh, god. I am so glad we stuck with “Norm” in the end.
26 November 2020, 23:34
Let me be honest, I realized how unhappy I am to know that most of the people in my life think I am a woman, and that I am perfectly content with that, and that if I died now, they would talk about me like that.
Thankfully, we didn’t die yet. 🎊
27 November 2020, 19:43
We got our flu shot. Norm got a butterscotch dum dum, which thankfully quieted him down for a while. Later we had a cherry Jolly Rancher.
Uh…how old are we again?
Also, wait ’til you’re injecting yourself with something once per week.
6 December 2020, 17:46
Norm and Partner are sitting a little ways apart on a bench. It is night, but the holiday lights are gentle and colorful and distract Norm from feeling quite as sad and bad and wrong about inserting himself into stoic Partner’s presence again.
It is cool, but the colors sparkle. They are silent.
Norm wants to feel the warmth and joy of the lights in tandem with Partner again, but doesn’t dare to indulge the feeling, even without knowing what Partner is feeling. He doesn’t want to warp the sad and welcome presence. He wants to hold the hand of the man he loves, but he is too guilty or, maybe, in some selfish world, too shy.
Norm distracts himself again with the colored lights, and holds the moment, without trying to shape it into anything.
My gosh, man. Give the Partner a little more credit.
(To be fair, I hadn’t come out to him yet and was terrified and pessimistic and ruminating, but yeah.)
7 December 2020, 19:25
Norm is on the bench again, and he lets himself enjoy the lights, because Partner loves him.
…yeah, newsflash: it was fine. You’re a lucky man, Normy.
11 December 2020, 23:12
I want to come out, I think? Or I want Norm to? I don’t know. I am Norm.
Sigh…it’s still gonna take you until February, though.
16 December 2020, 19:35
What do I want from transition? I think it was a rhetorical question, but I’ll answer it here.
I want to lay on my bed and be me. I want to feel warmth and energy — in my limbs, and not just my core, and to twerp around with my stomach hairs and see a coarser arm with maybe a vein or two that somehow doesn’t disturb me. I want to hear something that doesn’t scare me in either direction, though I admit I am a little scared about the voice. I want to see the flat chest that this little guy is supposed to have, and be amused at the hair or lack thereof. I want my drive to work in more cases than negative, worried ones, and to feel awake and motivated and happy. I want to feel closer to Norm, who patiently waits in my head and wants me to line the hell up already. I want to be strong and warm and never, ever symbolize a mother. I want to look as steadfast as I actually am. I want to take the pixie-like part away from my mischievous face, and hopefully not break out too much in the process. I want my butt not to stick out with a cute curve, and my hip bone, one of the things that sadly cannot change, to not protrude so much. I want to feel at home, and like I am worth taking care of, because it seems like a good body to actually stay in, instead of avoid.
I’ve got bad news for you, kid: the acne is no joke.
But, hey — don’t rat on a cute butt. The fellow gay bros love it!
17 December 2020, 17:33
When do I feel certain and excited to be me? (note, sir, that “me” came to mind before “male”, and that male was assumed…hmm)
Anyway!
Times I feel confident in being trans:
while alone on a walk
when I have eaten
the afternoons
while enjoying myself with people I don’t know too well yet
while seeing myself in the little zoom window and not looking all that blaringly female
while thinking about spending time alone
while thinking about a future
while thinking about having my own place
Times I feel doubt about being trans:
when I think about how awkward it would be with my friends
while I haven’t eaten that day yet
when I have a bad day at work
ironically, sometimes when I get lost in work and feel okay about it and my team
Also, today ironically this podcast about breast and ovarian cancer helped me realize just how disconnected I am from womanhood. They talk about these body parts as if they matter to them.
“while thinking about a future”
Okay, then.
22 December 2020, 19:27
So I do another half-assed search for names, because “Norman” still embarrasses me a little due to my character (he’s really pissed at me for saying that hah), and I ask for 35 names with my surname with little other criteria (not even letter or year criteria — just any names). “Norman” is among them.
I don’t believe in things happening for reasons, but maybe there really is something to this universe.
Just shut up and admit you want the name, Norm.
23 December 2020, 20:41
Another fun thing that happened today is that I realized via Zoom echo that I am way less attached to the sound of my own voice than I thought.
Well, honestly, more like I am not attached at all, but change is scary.
Please practice your singing, or you will lose some range forever. I warned you.
25 December 2020, 16:18
Merry Christmas! I’m putting off cleaning the house, as you can see (read?). However I ought to after this, and after the bodily function I’ve been waiting all day for because I walked out too early for it.
I started the morning with the usual Christmas dread (because I’m depressed and rely on open coffee shops to bring a spark of meaning and tasty flavor and human presence to my life) but got a little better as usual with the walk. Maybe carrying along some ginger matcha helped. The podcasts were pretty okay today and I was actually able to pay attention.
Well that’s one way to write about constipation… >.<
Also,who the hell has “usual Christmas dread”? That’s just depressing, young man. That’s just depressing.
28 December 2020, 16:16
I know what it means. I was the greatest drag queen ever, because I looked like a beautiful woman and it felt like a power play.
Nah nah. I would say that I “would” be the best drag queen ever, but in reality I already am, because I am not a woman. I just do a great physical impression of one.
What is it with me and drag?
29 December 2020, 23:56
Weird. Mindfuck.
I suddenly feel less afraid of coming out to family than I do to friends whom I know will be allies. Except of course when I think about talking on the phone with Mom this morning. Holy wow; she has absolutely no idea.
Well, that’s because your friends are your family, too. You were horrified of losing them.
11 January 2021, 19:52
I feel very content, and very sebaceous today, overall. I’m still a little worried, but still have tinges of great thrill with this. I love how my arms somehow are starting to feel.
Update: You’re still sebaceous as hell come September. Be warned.
30 January 2021, 16:54
Please stay this happy.
Update: You’re still this happy. Despite the sebum. 🤣
8 February 2021, 19:27
Things I have gotten on T:
an appetite
something resembling a soul
I guess it’s technically a good sign that I feel the need to write less as well.
Speaking of an appetite, wait ’til you discover that pink and blue individually-packaged cake slice at the Safeway, with the little star sprinkles on it. It tastes like cotton candy. ✨
14 February 2021, 20:45
I’m gonna get Norm’s fluffy gray bathrobe, monogrammed with the same letter N, on Etsy as a coming out gift to myself when I finally do that.
26 February 2021, 23:09
I did it. THEY WERE GOOD WITH IT!!! THEY WERE LOVING!! THEY DIDN’T FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha now what; kinda scary to have to commit now i suppose 😂
Ah, yes. The fateful day we came out to our parents.
1 March 2021, 21:16
I have learned that bigotry, if and where it will exist, comes from personality. Not from exposure or lack thereof. People who love me — like my parents and Partner and Grandmother and Aunt and many other aunts and cousins and Sister and my friends — no matter their background or what they were exposed to, they have personalities of thinking for themselves and learning and being curious. That is the right way to be. That is the loving way to be. I will forever be thankful for that.
(I don’t have anything to say here except that it’s so true.)
31 March 2021, 21:05
For some reason, when Dad said “Hi Norm” in the subject line, I felt like that short film with the little girl named Allie when her dad comes home and says, “Hi Allie!”
Ah, gosh…what was that film again? I think this one. Get me a fuckin’ tissue.
1 May 2021, 23:38
I was drawing Norm the character as an older man, and I am delighted that I soon became…delighted. I had no idea it would feel so right; I thought I should be uncomfortable with it. But in the end, he makes the face he always makes, with the mischief, and the gray hair and wrinkles do nothing to detract from it. If anything, it’s a delightful new flavor. Elder Norm is pretty awesome.
Oh my god, I’m not even 30 though.
15 May 2021, 21:23
My top surgeon should receive the Nobel Prize for Nipple Placement. Well done, sir.
Stuff hurts a bit and I hope it gets better. All other things considered, my chest looks AMAZING.
And when the swelling goes down, you’ll feel like TWO million bucks. 😎
21 May 2021, 20:07
It is my favorite time of year. The weather is gently warm, and there are rainbow flags just starting to appear on the houses and in yards. The sun is out for a long time. And this time, the flags really are for people like me. They really are for me.
hot. boy. summer.
4 June 2021, 22:02
A little rapport goes a long way. Also, I was thinking how hilarious it would be if someone told 9 year-old me he would grow up to be a gay programmer.
Can’t help myself:
12 June 2021, 20:37
I’m experiencing a wonderful feeling today — a warmth? Especially on one of the later walks, I felt such a wondrous, sweet, tender, calm wonderfulness. I told myself I would have to write it here.
Was it euphoria, because my small body felt compact and straight and smooth and male (and dapper in my pink and green outfit)?
Was it joy, because Norm met strangers as…Norm, without masks, at a true, new gathering for the first time? And there was CAKE! And all were so kind! Normalcy. Bonding. Love.
Was it the simple pleasure I take in a good public transit ride? (I especially love trying out new ones. Today it was the FLEX to Fort Collins, and it was even free! Take that, Lyft spending)
Was it me taking good weather for granted?
I don’t know, I don’t know, but I love such a warm, soft, comforting reminder that Norm is meta-better than he ever has been before, at least to his memory.
And there was cake!
2 July 2021, 20:40
What a day! How…how in HELL…does Safeway not have frozen edamame?!
Finally some regular shit. Thank god.
12 August 2021, 20:07
I am having that feeling I can’t describe again, the one that is so warm and special. I am the real Norm — the one I draw, who is my soul — and I am loved. But by whom? By the peace I am at? I don’t know. I dunno.
Take your hormones and love each other, kids.
