Autistic masking: surprises

“I am choosing not to display the immensity of my current distress”

You might have heard of autistic masking; it’s how we on the spectrum hide our naturally different responses to some things in order to stay safe, or at very least, avoid standing out. But how does masking work in real life?

One example that comes up a lot for me is masking surprise. It’s been suggested that the autistic brain is, in fact, ‘continually surprised’, so I suppose it comes as no surprise that I’m not a big fan of surprises. Ha!

More specifically, surprises — even small ones, like an unexpected visitor or a slight change in plans — can cause a shockwave of acute and disproportionate distress. Instead of feeling one of the usual emotions people might have in response to a surprise—maybe a pleasant curiosity at best or an inconvenienced but manageable moment of vexation at worst — autistic people may experience something more akin to a fight-or-flight response.

For me, this can manifest as a sudden and overwhelming cloud of terror and agitation, and masking is when I consciously fight to suppress and minimize it. As an adult professional (and friend and sibling and cousin and neighbor and general member of society), I believe this is crucial to me for maintaining relationships. It also pains me to upset or inconvenience others, so I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed if the mask slips and my struggle with surprises becomes visible.